Connie Clark, Ph.D. CCBT
Christian Counseling of McPherson
620-241-3736

 Lies That Destroy Marriages

             With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we usually think of February as the love month.  Usually there is that special someone in our lives that we want to remember on this special day.  Unfortunately, not all relationships are going well.  Many couples today are struggling in their marriages or are on the brink of separation or divorce.  

            One of my passions in counseling is working with couples about their marriage.  I want to see them overcome the problems and the conflicts that they are facing.  In my nine years of counseling, I have noticed several lies or misbeliefs that keep reappearing as I work with these couples.  These lies have been around for a long time.  These are not new lies.  They are the same old ones that people have used for many many years.  The same old lines they come to me with.  I realize it seems pretty bold to use the word “lies” but that’s what they are.  Lies that we are buying into everyday as we allow our minds to deceive us into what we think will make us truly happy.

            There are many lies we tell ourselves, but I am only going to discuss three specific lies that destroy marriages.  One of the greatest lies we tell ourselves is this: 

“There is no hope for my marriage.  I am in such a mess.  My marriage is in such a mess.  I might as well end it.  It’s hopeless.” Have you ever heard someone tell you this before?  I know I have.  And the first thing I want to tell them is that there is hope.  There is hope to build a lifelong marriage.  There is hope for your marriage to be strengthened.  Even deeply troubled marriages can and have been saved.  Separated couples can and have rebuilt their marriages.  Divorce rates can be decreased. 

Dr. James Dobson, Christian Psychologist and author states, “Don’t permit the possibility of divorce to enter your thinking.  Even in moments of great conflict and discouragement, divorce is no solution.”  How true this is.  Divorce is not the answer to the feelings of hopeless that many couples feel.  According to the book, Second Chances, by Juditih Wallerstein and Sandra Blakslee, in 90% of the cases either the former husband or wife (or both) is still in pain ten years after the divorce.  So even after divorce, people are still feeling hopeless and emotional pain.  Most families still suffer anguish years after the divorce.  The adults of divorce have unexpected emotional and behavioral problems with their children.

So, you can readily see that for everyone involved finding ways to improve a marriage is better than dissolving it. 

In certain cases couples should separate – when physical abuse, persistent alcoholism or adultery is present.  However, according to a recent Gallup Poll, only 5% of marriages are dissolved due to physical abuse; 16% of divorces were attributed to alcoholism, and 17% to adultery.  The overwhelming cause of divorce is incompatibility (47%) and arguments over money, family or children (10%).

The second lie that we are allowing ourselves to believe is this: I have married the wrong person.  A lot of people begin to believe this when they get into conflicts, or because they have problems in their marriage.  But let me share with you a little nugget of truth.  Marrying the right person does not insure that you will have a good marriage.  I heard a pastor once say, “I tell you, a marriage may be made in heaven, but maintenance is needed on this earth.”

Another truth you need to realize is that good marriages have problems too.  Good marriages take time and effort to develop and cultivate.  And you will never find a perfect marriage on this earth.  You know why?  Because there is not a perfect man or woman alive.  There are no perfect husbands or wives. 

I love my husband and we have a wonderful marriage.  However, as good as our relationship is, we both know we have our own faults.  And we don’t have a good marriage because we just got lucky.   We have a good marriage because we have to take time and effort just like anyone else to make our marriage work.  And good marriages take time and effort to develop.

We need to quit worrying about whether we married the right person and we need to start being the right person.  Zig Ziglar in his book, Courtship After Marriage, states that “I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible you did marry the wrong person.  However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could end up having married the right person after all.  On the other hand, if you marry the right person and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person.  It is far more important to be the right kind of person, than to marry the right kind of person.  In short, whether you’ve married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.”

The third lie that we tell ourselves is this:  “I don’t love my mate anymore.  He or she has hurt me so much and I could never love them again.”  I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard this.  Because I’ve heard it so many times. Many times a husband and wife will even go further to say, ‘I never really was in love with my mate.  We were just good friends.’  And yet, I know some of those couples and they have told me that they have beautiful stories of how they met and how they fell in love.  But they have forgotten all that.  Why?  Because they have hardened their hearts.  Their hearts have been hardened by hurts.

My heart goes out to people in this situation.  Hurt and rejection can destroy a person.  It can turn a person inward.  It can cause them to isolate themselves.  The Bible says in Proverbs 15:13 that “Heartache crushes the spirit.”  I encourage husbands and wives to never do or say anything that could crush your mate’s spirit.  Unfortunately, it does happen. 

You need to understand 3 things if you are battling with this lie.  Number 1. You need to understand that love is not always a feeling, love is a decision.  Love is a commitment.  The romantic feelings that you had when you dated and when you first got married, they may not be as strong at all times.  It is not the feelings that get us through the battles of life; it is the commitment to love.  It’s that unconditional love.  The Bible says in Ephesians 4:2, “Be completely humble and gentle.  Be patient, bearing with one another in love.”  Did you notice it just does not say love one another; it says you have to bear with one another in love.  This means that you and your spouse are going to make mistakes, but you have to bear with one another in love.  Make the decision to love and be committed to your mate despite your feelings or your lack of feelings. Feelings are temporary, but love can be forever.  Number 2.  In your marriage, you need to clear up each and every offense.  Do not sweep anything under the rug.  Don’t expect your mate to overlook the things that you have done.  Don’t withdraw and refuse to talk.  You need to talk things out.  You need to clear things up.  You need to say I’m sorry and get peace between you. Usually, it is not the major things that cause people to divorce; it is the little things that build up over the years.  It’s the little hurt after hurt after hurt that is never dealt with and finally a person explodes and then says, ‘I don’t love you anymore.’  Their love is in there.  It’s just buried by all those hurts. Number 3.  Husband and wives, you need to be willing to forgive one another.  You need to release all the anger, release all the hurt, release all the bitterness, and you will see that you will find love buried deep down in your heart.  And you will see that love can flow again.  God does not want you just to survive in a relationship; He wants you to enjoy it.  He wants you to be happy in your marriage relationship.  You can love again.  You can have peace again.  You can have harmony again. 

I realize I am coming from a Christian perspective, and not everyone reading this is a Christian.  But, I want to encourage you to put God first in your life.  Put Him first in your life.  And then put Him first in your marriage.  You can have a marriage where you trust one another and you have peace with one another.  And you can be a blessing to each other and you can be a blessing to your children.  Your children will have an example to follow.  We are lacking in examples today.  Our children need to see strong couples, strong mothers and fathers standing together.

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