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Connie
Clark, Ph.D. CCBT The Truth About AngerAnger is one of our basic emotions. The God who created us as emotional human beings gave us the ability to experience anger, express it, use it for good, and then let it go. However, anger can also be destructive. It can quietly slip into our hearts when we are disappointed or irritated at someone or something. It can hide below the surface and sometimes boil over when there are relationship tensions. It explodes into marriages, ripping open families, and tearing nations apart. It can hide so well that it festers unrecognized and undetected until it silently weakens the immune systems and wears down our bodies. Anger can also fuel unhealthy thoughts. We dwell on injustices, mull over how we have been mistreated, or how things could have happened (but usually don’t). If we don’t stop these unhealthy thoughts, it can pull us into anxiety, revenge and bitterness. When people allow bitterness and anger to get a hold on them, it leads to more anger, snuffing out joy and peace. In addition, there are misbeliefs that people tell themselves about anger. These misbeliefs sustain and cause more angry resentment and bitterness. The following are common misbeliefs about anger by Dr. William Backus: Common Misbeliefs Connected with Anger · Anger is bad and if I’m a good person, I will never get angry. · Anger always means to yell and throw things or do whatever else it takes to “drain off” the emotion. · If I do get angry, it’s always better for me to swallow the anger than to express it. · I have every right to be angry when another person does not live up to my expectations. I have no choice but to stay angry as long as things don’t change. · It is outrageous and insufferable when others do things I don’t like, or if they fail to treat me as well as I ought to be treated. You may have one or more of these misbeliefs. They are lies and distortions. They can have the power to cause considerable suffering. Now here is the truth. The Truth About Anger · Anger is not always bad. Anger can be normal and even has its place in certain situations. The emotion of anger is not always harmful. It is what you do with that anger that can be harmful. · Sometimes it’s better to express your anger. It may sometimes be good to reveal to another person that what he has done against you has made you angry. In Matthew 18 it tells us how to deal with situations causing anger: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him”. This does not mean “scream at him” or “kick things and slam doors so he’ll figure it out.” This can be simple. You can say, “What you did hurts me and I’m angry about it. I’d like you to stop.” · Anger does not mean yelling and throwing things or other aggressive behaviors. There are some theories practiced by some psychotherapists that state that emotions are like steam in a pressure tank and must be released or they will cause a terrible explosion. William Backus does not support this “steamboiler theory” in his book on anger when he said, “Our emotions are not a kind of gas or fluid which must be expelled in order to prevent our popping all over the place in a million pieces.” This does not mean we swallow anger and pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. Sometimes it is healthier, wiser and more loving to say words like, “I am feeling anger right now. I’d like to talk about it because I feel it concerns us both.” · I do not have every right to be angry when another person does not live up to my expectations. I do have a choice whether or not I remain angry. It doesn’t matter how unfairly, unjustly or thoughtlessly someone has behaved toward you, you are angry because of your own self-talk. One psychologist tells his patients that the truthful statement to make when you’re angry is, “I make myself angry.” Other people cannot force you to remain in a stew over their behavior. This is something you do to yourself. To take it one step further, you make yourself angry by what you tell yourself. If you are angry because you are telling yourself that something the other person has done or said is terrible, horrible, shameful etc.., this is not true. It is unpleasant when people do such things, but it is not awful or terrible. · It is not dreadful or even especially unusual if others do things I don’t like or fail to treat me as well as I treat them. We waste a lot of time, energy, and thought when we brood over the offenses of others. The people in your life will not always be kind, just, loving, and thoughtful to you. You yourself do not always behave perfectly and fairly in every instance. But we can change our self-talk and love, forgive and accept the people around us.
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